More Jpost Gems

Another two gems from the Jpost this weekend. Both were in the Metro section. So you know how in magazine sections of papers they will put the first letter of the first word in an article in a big box to bring your attention to where the article starts. Well it's a standard practice. One problem though... make sure the letter you put in the box fits the rest of the word! The brand new word given to us courtsy of the Jpost is... "Tivided". The second gem was the same kind of error. This time they repeated the first letter twice: "Tthe"

Side Rants

-Two of my cousins aged 15 and 17 got arrested with the Gush Katif protesters for blocking traffic! They each spent a week in the slammer and can't come anywhere near the Gush Dan area for 90 days. As much as I agree with them that we shouldn't give up Gush Katif I think that people who do this are schmucks. People already know your message. Pissing them off isn't gonna make them want to side with you.

-Dani's summer job watch: Still looking. Might get a job painting and shleping at Lubavitch. Needa call and find out details.

Fantasy Poskim

New idea. You know how they have fantasy baseball and football and such? My idea is fantasy poskim. You draft your very own beit din of gedolei ha'dor and rack up points based on their rulings. The point scale could be something like this:

publish a teshuva with a coolah: 5 points

publish a teshuva with a chumra: 10 points

have a chumra taken on by mainstream judiasim: 20 points

have a chumra taken on only by New York jews: -20 points

release a psak supporting the state of Israel: 5 points

release a psak damning the state of Israel: 10 points

protest with the arabs: -10 points

put a person in cherem: 20 points

be put in cherem: game over you win! (your rabbi must be on to something if he's in cherem.)

There would aslo be an option to have one "dead" rabbi, such as the lubavicher rebbe, on your beit din's disabled list (DL). If he comes back as the moshiach: 100 points

This is just a start more to come (maybe)...

Side Rants

-You know the song: "There was a man who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o" I say that the phrase "Bingo was his name-o" can possibly be reffering to the man and not the dog. Bingo is the man who had the dog.

-I'm glad the yankee bullpen last night decided to defend their hitters: "It was a rainy night, the ball slipped," Quantrill said. "I guess the same as it did for whatever that kid's name who was pitching when he hit Alex. Stuff happens." Best part is there are still two games left in the series.

3...2...1... BLASTOFF!!!

When we came out of davening this morning were we in for a suprise. Our dude shemesh (solar water heater) decided to explode! Well not really but pretty much the pipe connecting the tank to the house gave out. In the absence of a pipe connecting the tank to the house the hot presurized contents of our hot water tank came shooting out like a jet. If the tank weren't bolted to the metal frame it would have deffinitly been shot off into the stratosphere like a gigantic bottle rocket! (now that I think about it we deffinitly have to unbolt the thing and try this again!)

Side Rants

- I need some arguments settled. If a fat person and a skinny person both jump on a trampoline (not at the same time) who will go higher?

-Which is better college basketball or the NBA?

-I haven't mentioned this before but arena football might be coming to the Fleet Center in Boston in 2006! I'm psyched! It's probably the best cost to entertainment ratio of any sport.

Lipman at the Bat

The following is an epic poem entitled "Lipman at the Bat" which recalls the thrilling victory of the Beit Shemesh Suns (bad pun I know) in the IOMSL (Israel Old Man Softball League).

"Lipman at the Bat" by Mighty Rabbi Dov L ipman shlita Director of Student Life, Yeshivat Yesodei HaTorah, Author of the acclaimed Book "Discover" (Coming soon from Feldheim to a bookstore near you!) and second baseman of the Beit Shemesh Suns.

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Beit Shemesh team that day
the score stood 8-3 with just one inning to play
first Bramson knocked in 3 -
to make the score 8-6
but would there be enough in the Beit Shemesh sticks?

then Jan the Man knocked in one more -
to tighten up the score
could Isaacson knock him in?
I hope this is not too much of a bore

Yes, Isaacson was up to the task
he hit a nice shot
but due to a baserunning error
scoring the next run was for naught

but then the pitcher goofed!
he threw it to the fence
8-8 the score became
the place was so full of suspense

and then Mighty Lipman took his place in the batters box!
the crowd knew something special was about to happen
after all he is built like an ox
the count went to 2 and 2

the pitcher wiped some sweat from his brow
and then from somewhere far away Lipman heard squishy say Meow
he smashed that next pitch
would it go to the fence?

no - a line drive over the third basemen's head!
a hero he was hence!

Side Rants

-I'd like to introduce a new feature today: The Side Rant! Little blurbs and whatnot that sum up what is going on in my life but not important enough to get their own rant.

-Rabbi Lipman (our hero from above) has told me that I remind him of Statler and Waldorf (the old guys from the muppet show who sit in the back and make comments) I guess it works. What muppet are you?

-Just got back from my shabbos in Haifa last night. It was pretty good. I enjoy being around the people from my grade. It's too bad that there isn't more of an anglo community in Haifa because it's a great city.

-Only 4 more weeks to go till I'm back in the US and still no summer job! please help! Don't make me work for MASSPIRG or at camp!

Trunk Monkey

All I can say is that this is quite possibly the best ad campaign ever! http://www.trunkmonkeyad.com/
These ads make fun of OnStar and other similar systems that are around these days. Ad number 4 is my personal favorite.

I hate the Jpost

Did I ever mention that I hate the Jerusalem Post. I get the feeling that these people do not even use a spell check. Just 3 weeks ago the printed the following error in the HEADLINE: "Dollars amd Cents". I read the entire article just trying to see if maybe just maybe it was a play on words. Sadly though it wasn't. It's one thing if they make a small typo in an article but it's something else when an error that glaring is in the headline. So today they gave me this jewel. As Rabbi Kahn would say "valuable prizes" if you can tell me what's wrong with this sentence:

"A statement issued by the organizers said that there goal is to force the PA leadership to launch a serious investigation to end the mystery surrounding Arafat's death. "

I guess this is good for me because if I ever decide to make aliyah it won't be to hard to find a job in journalism here.

My Motto

The bus driver on our most recent tiyul had this quote hanging in the front of the bus. I feel that it is my motto:

Ze lo chacham la'avod kashe, ze kashe la'avod chacham. (It's not smart to work hard, it's hard to work smart.)

Shabbat Shalom.

My stand

That's it i'm taking a stand no Zalman you can't use the computer you dirty boy you! There now I did something!

p.s. sorry for confusing you all!
p.p.s. Yom Atzmaout Sameach!

Annoying

You know what's more annoying then an itchy sefira beard? An itchy sefira beard with a mosquito bite underneath! That's all for now.

"say goodnight dani"
Goodnight dani!

The beginning of the end?

Today started my first test to see if I have what it takes to write a blog. That's right yeshiva started up again today. Does Dani have what it takes to keep up his blog while maintaining a life away from a computer? Will Dani's next post not be until June 19 when he gets back to the USA? Find out next time... if there is one.

quick note

Don't you loving logging on to AIM after shabbos in Israel and seeing which of your friends in the USA are logged on while it's still shabbos? I know I do.

my soul for a summer job

Yup I'm selling soul for a summer job. I called MASSPIRG the other day (in case you don't know masspirg is one of these liberal special intrest groups that raises money to teach about the "dangers" of global warming and how it's a more pressing matter then say those arabs coming and blowing us up). They advertised on monster.com and were offering 4-6 thousand bucks for a summer's worth of work depending on how much I can fundraise for them. Please help me!!! don't make me sell my soul to get a job. If you know of a job that I can live with please let me know. I beg of you. I don't want to help "them"!

My Day in Haifa

Today was one of those days that has left me not knowing what to think about this crazy institution that is The State of Israel. I went to Haifa today in order to indulge my train fetish. I went to the Railroad Museum and rode on the Carmelit. What left me confused was my walk to and from the Train Museum. From the station to the museum there is a 15 minute walk down Rechov Atzmaut, one of the main streets in Haifa. Now it was a nice day out so most of the shops decided it was a good day for a sidewalk sale. One problem though they were all selling porno DVDs. It's one thing if you're selling porn it's an entirely different thing if you're selling it from tables outside your shop on one of the main streets in Haifa. What left me not knowing what to think was on my way back while I was walking down the street a guy pulls me into a Mincha minyan in his stationary shop nestled right between two of the video stores. This guy it appeared locked his shop for the 10-20 minutes every day so he could say mincha with a minyan.

Today was also Yom Hashoa so as is the custom a minute of silence was observed across the nation at 10 AM. Of course I just happened to be standing right underneath the air raid siren for all of Haifa when the clock struck 10. Me not being from around these parts I started to think duck and cover until I saw a very impressive display. Everyone stopped their car and got out closed the door and stood in silence outside their car for the entire minute. I think that one minute was more meaningful then a lifetime of Yom Hashoa assemblies in school. Though I must say when the minute was over I was waiting for someone to turn back to their car and discover that they had just locked their keys in their car with the engine running on one of the busiest streets in Haifa...

Clarification

I wish to clarify my last post as I feel that someone has taken it personally and it wasn't meant as a personal comment. I joked around that many people in their blogs come off as being depressed. I did not mean to infer that any of the people who's blogs I read actually are depressed. I was just observing that many people choose to use their blogs to write out what's troubling them and while this can be therapeutic it is not what I intend to do with my own blog. I like to think of my blog as being entertainment for the masses.

p.s. Sorry for this post not living up to that last statement I made. I'll try harder next time.

Other Blogs

Before I started this blog I read a bunch of other people's blogs and the one word I can use to sum them all up is: depressing. If you knew most people only by their blogs you must think that everyone at least once a day stands at the edge of a bridge and asks themselves whether or not they should jump today. If I ever start to sound depressing someone please let me know. This blog is for entertainment purposes only! I will not start getting deep or discuss hard hitting real life issues here (at least for the time being). If something of mine which you are reading sounds depressing try reading it a second time it was probably sarcastic.

My Blog

After much procrastination I have decided to get off my duff and start a blog of my own. I have a few reasons for starting it:

1. Sarah B suggested it.
2. People say I'm an entertaining person and I just wanna give the masses what they want.
3. Gives me an official place to rant if no one else is around.
4. Good way for me to get my name out if I do ever go into journalism.
5. It's bein hazmanim and I'm bored.

As with all things Dani I doubt I will be able to keep this up for very long before I get too lazy about it but I may suprise myself (the over/under in Vegas for how long this lasts is a month and a half). Now all I need to do is trick umm i mean convince people that this is worth reading...